Rather Rough

So. To be completely honest... Single mommy as a teenager/student/full-timer worker is catching up to me. I think Mya has officially hit the "terrible twos." Although, I shouldn't complain because she just passed the 2 and a half mark, so we made it through half a year with no signs of this ferocious disease that takes over your sweet child.

These past few days I have been struggling a bit.

The list of my mommy blues:

-I don't want to be the mom that gets walked all over & lets their child do everything they want. But I also don't want to be the mom that doesn't give them a break. When they just keep acting up and keep pushing your nerves, how do you meet in the middle? I need more patience and time.

-I am so upset that I work night and day to make sure I am doing the best I can for her. Even though I spend my days working and I'm not necessarily with her, taking care of her, if I didn't have a baby, I wouldn't be working full time kicking my own butt. So... needless to say, I feel bitterness towards the person that helped put her here but gets to live their live like she never existed. They get to date and go out and do things that normal teenagers do. They don't have to wake up three times in the night to get Mya's juice or wonder why in the world she peed all over her sheets 2 minutes after getting off the potty or fight 20 minutes to get her to sleep. They take care of her on their terms. They can cancel Halloween plans because they "are tired." They can do pretty much whatever they want. It's not fair.

-I worry that because I have had a baby so young and had to go through so much, if its going to ruin having other kids for me. I feel like I have so much on my shoulders right now, I just can't even imagine having another kid. My desire is to have at least 4 but honestly, I don't know if I can do that. I need to learn to have more patience and to take more time with Mya first. And I feel like there are so many hinderances to me learning those things.

-Hands down, I need help. I don't think I have it in me to keep "disciplining" Mya without feeling like I am hurting our relationship. She is my best friend. And I love her so much, the last thing I want to do is hurt her.

-How do I bring her up to be a sweet, bold Christian girl who is confident and makes the right decisions if I can't say the same about myself? I need to be the perfect example for her, and I'm so far from perfect. I still have growing up to do. I still need to find out who am I. How can she look up to me if I am lacking in the areas that I want her to be great at?

I hate being negative. I love to be happy and make the best of things. But I feel really burdened and I have a heavy heart. So, I'm doing something abnormal for me and just letting it out. I can always delete if necessary, but keep me in your prayers. Greatly appreciated :)