This here is a picture of my journals from middle and high school. Isn't that crazy?! I didn't realize I had so much! These past few days, I have been reading up on them and wow! It's actually depressing. I'm sure that there have been tons of good things happen in my life, but it seems like the only things that get written down are the bad ones. 97% of what I write about is... guys. And now I understand where my bitterness for the male gene comes from! Reading up on my journals, I have noticed that through middle and high school, my whole self-worth revolved around what a certain guy/ guys thought of me. If a certain guy would look at me or talk to me, I had the BEST day but if I saw him talking to another girl and he just happened to walk right past me without smiling, it was just "the worst day of my life." And then just when I was about to give up and not worry about him anymore, he would do something to spark my fancy again and just keep me right where he wanted me! Although, I would love to blame most of my "male problems" on the male himself... I have to point the finger at yours truly. Without a doubt, I have let guys trample all over me. They can humiliate me, cheat on me, not smile at me etc. and I still hold out for those smooth words he sometimes says.
Looking back and reading my journals, I keep thinking to myself, "gosh I was so DUMB! I just let these guys hurt me and kept coming back to them, kept liking them and kept waiting around for them to 'come around' What is wrong with me!?" But the sad thing is, I still do it. It's like I STAY in denial. I don't realize it at the time, but when I look back, I totally see so many things that say "RUN NOW! He doesn't love you!" In every single one of my relationships, friendships, etc. I see a handful of times I should've thrown in the cards.
So... my goal now is to NOT do that! I have faith that I will find a guy one day who will never make me feel the way any other guy has, and I know that he will chase me and that I won't have to wonder if he likes me, because he will let me know in a million ways. I believe it's God's design for the girl to be pursued and the guy to pursue. From now on, I will NOT PURSUE!! :) I am waiting for my special guy!
I remember when we used to write in our journals together :) Those were the days, yeah?! Now, we're grownup and have to be serious. I honestly truly believe that God has someone so special for you and your little one! He brought you to this point in your life for a reason :) And don't think that the forgiving aspect about yourself is bad! It's what makes you Ashley you are a good-hearted, forgiving individual ! That's the best kind of an individual! There is no doubt in my mind that you will find a great guy. I wish allllllll the best for you, Ashley! :)
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